Written by Shiggins
So I was working on my Fairy Tail catch-up review, when an incident occurred and I was dragged to see the newest of Disney's live-action remake plague; Dumbo. Never let it be said that I am close-minded, because I went in with some expectation and hope. It is directed by Tim Burton after all, who used to be one of my favourite directors. After this however, maybe it's best if I just start locking the door to my poor malnourished brain.
Note: Some spoilers ahead.
From now on, I'm going to be passive-aggressive with these remakes. Only screenshots of the original film will be used!
Dumbo is a remake of the 1941 classic, in which a baby elephant is born with ridiculously big ears and is mocked for it, until he discovers he can use them to fly. It's a twist on the Ugly Duckling story we've all heard before, but it worked perfectly fine for the time period and some of it surprisingly still holds up today. I don't know about you, but that scene with the pink elephants is scarred into my soul forever.
The remake takes a very different approach. In this one, Colin Farrell plays an amputee named Holt Farrier, who returns from WW1 to his old home and job, the Medici Brothers' Circus run by Danny DeVito's Max Medici, but has to care for the pregnant elephant because his old act has been sold away due to the circus' financial troubles. The elephant gives birth to a baby with big ears which is first seen as a funny joke, but Holt's kids see his potential to fly and eventually Dumbo becomes a star. Soon, the owner of a theme park named V. A Vandevere, played by Michael Keaton, comes along and invites them all to join him, but his methods are different and he's obviously bad, as shown by his treatment of Collete Marchant, played by Eva Green, and the ideas he has for Dumbo's act.
While it is nice to see a Disney remake actually try something different with its story and characters, Dumbo doesn't receive many points for that because all the stuff it is doing is unoriginal and obvious. For example, Holt's wife died while he was away at the war. Just from that one sentence, and knowing that he has kids, can you guess what dilemma he's facing? That's right, he isn't able to talk to his kids! No, the dead amazing wife and mother could but a dad actually knowing how to talk to his own kids? Pfft. Don't be ridiculous.
And there are plenty of other cliche arcs in this busy film, all of which you can guess from day one. Will Collete stand up to Vanderline after she spends time with the rest of the circus, who are basically a family when Vanderline is just a greedy corporate villain? Will Medici realise he's being taken advantage of and show that he cares? Will the circus performers use their various talents during the third act to help save the day? There's nothing new about this, or even any fun twists surrounding these stories that could at least enhance it. Dumbo goes through all the motions of these arcs but doesn't add anything new to them.
I have to cut back to the kids now, because I'm going to burst if I don't get this out: I absolutely hate these bloody kids.
Holt's children, one boy and one girl obviously, are meant to be the emotional centre of the story, that connect with Dumbo as they miss their super-special-amazing mother who probably never did a big wet fart her whole life because she was just that perfect. While the boy is tolerable sometimes, the girl is a trainwreck. She has no emotion in her face or voice, her dialogue is absolutely embarrassing and nothing like an actual kid, and she's obsessed with science. Why is this a thing, where women are getting their personalities replaced with a love for science and discovery? You can't replace personality by just making them love science! That's not how people work! They are not one obsession! This girl feels like if someone brought text-to-speech software and installed it into an android sent by Cyberlife. It's horrendous. When she and her brother, who is really not that much better, are having a meaningful and heartfelt conversation, it sounds about as passionate and real as autotune during a university lecture.
I used this word already, but nothing fits this screenplay better than "embarrassing." It's embarrassing to hear some of these lines in 2019, in a film that cost $170 million to make. "She was the best of us" shows up, which I nearly laughed at because I thought I'd only hear that in the upcoming Dark Phoenix film this year (seriously, I'd put money on that), and I was surprised anyone was dumb(o) enough to use that line anymore. Exposition blasted in our face when our own eyes can see what's happening, or just a reminder from the little girl that she loves science. DID YOU KNOW SHE LIKES SCIENCE?! LET'S USE SCIENCE!
The strange thing is that this film could have been a lot stronger if it had actually focused on Max Medici of all people. He's the conman who wants to strike it rich, cares about his circus performers and animals but gets frustrated with them from time to time, provides the only actual wit in the whole movie, and makes decisions that he's conflicted with but he ultimately thinks is the right call. If you made it about him, maybe have him bond with Dumbo, and remove the kids entirely, I actually think Dumbo could have worked.
The tone of this movie, as you've no doubt heard, is very dark. There's a lot of animal abuse and misery, and they even draw a sad face on Dumbo at one point to really highlight the true despair of the scene, because you can't make an elephant look efficiently sad enough in live-action which is yet another example of why this worked better as a cartoon... but what's weird about the tone is that the darkness is constantly fighting against other scenes. At one early scene, a ridiculous character dies. This death is immediately followed by the famous lullaby scene from the original. I know they were obligated to do this, but it's such an odd place to insert it, right after a death! Less than two minutes apart from each other!
I should say that, like all of these remakes, the special effects are amazing. Dumbo the elephant looks brilliant, the sets are gorgeous, and the costume design is very over-the-top but in that charming way I can appreciate. The music is fine, passable, but it insists on having whimsical "wow" music every single time Dumbo flies, which actually makes it less wonderful because they keep repeating it!
As for the pink elephant scene... don't get your hopes up. I don't know if it's because of the studio or whatever, but you won't be seeing the Tim Burton-esque passion you were hoping for. Not to say it isn't somewhat fun, and the effects are great, but it feels watered down (which is ironic if you've seen it) and it keeps cutting back to Dumbo nodding his head as if we're meant to find it charming, which doesn't fit very well with the music they play or the visual style. In many ways, you could argue this represents the film as a whole; Watered down, confusing and disappointing.
Dumbo (2019) is not a good film, at all. While the people behind Disney's scenes are still masters of effects, all the money and nostalgia in the world can't make up for a lack of passion or creativity, and this is definitely lacking in those areas. The worst Disney remake is still Maleficent because it personally pissed me off, but this lazy wreck comes a close second. There's just too much junk in this trunk.
Film Rating: 4/10
Best Part: The effects.
Worst Part: The robotic kids.
Best Performance: Danny DeVito as Max Medici.
Shiggins:[Admin]
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Born under the stars of the Dark Gods, Shiggins owns the power of the Great Eye and is utterly magnificent in his omniscience. If you dare to discover more about someone as great as him, then go ahead. And to all my friends and family members, YOU are wrong and I should be disappointed! Not the other way round!,. You can find out about him or ask him stuff on ask.fm/shigginsishere or go to his tumblr page http://otakugajeel.tumblr.com/
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