Written by Shiggins
The Mouse always takes a cut.
Disney's live-action remakes of it's classic films just won't stop being made, nor will they stop making money. At time of writing, Disney are working on GODDAMN TWELVE more remakes, not including November's Lady and the Tramp on Disney+, and so we're clearly not escaping this nonsense for a while. Despite my words however, does that mean none of them are of value? Is there no fun to be had? "Which ones are worth a look?", you ask me. Very well, let's take a look at them all and determine which, if any, deserve our attention.
10. The Lion King
2019 is the unfortunate host of FIVE live-action Disney remakes, but unless Lady and the Tramp literally spits on children then I'm betting the worst of the bunch is easily the Lion King. Ripping off the 1994 classic, one of Disney's all-time best, 2019's The Lion King is an absolute disgrace, which is almost a surprise considering the amazing talent involved, including director Jon Favreau, talented singers Pharrell Williams and Beyonce, and tons of voice talents like Donald Glover, Seth Rogen, and even the returning voice of James Earl Jones as Mufasa.
Unfortunately, there is nothing worth seeing here. The voicework is monotone and uninspired, every single scene is just from the original but made worse, and none of the animals express a single emotion or ounce of care. "But it's more realistic that way". Well, it was a stupid idea to make THE FREAKING LION KING realistic in any way. Everything in this film is worse than the original. Everything. Don't watch it. Watch the original instead. Watch Kimba the White Lion, I don't care. Just don't see this pathetic hollow mess.
9. Beauty and the Beast
The first animated film to ever be nominated for an Academy Award's Best Picture trophy was 1991's Beauty and the Beast, for it's beautiful music, stunning visuals, splendid direction and emotional story full of heart and laughs. To this day, many view it as one of the greatest animated movies of all time, and so naturally, idiots decided it should be remade for money. Which it made a lot of. Which is depressing. And which is why we keep getting these things.
8. Maleficent
I was excited for this one, back before these remakes became tragically routine. "A film based solely on a Disney villain?! What a great idea!". I sat down, excited at the idea of seeing Angelina Jolie laugh maniacally as she tries to kill and turn into a dragon and such... Yeah, I was obviously disappointed but I'll never forget the embarrassment I felt afterwards. Hope? Never again!
In this remake, Maleficent isn't a bad person. Instead, she's a fairy who got her heart broken by a man and is upset over it, so she's going to make his newborn daughter fall asleep one day. However, the years pass and Maleficent bonds with the daughter, Aurora, so she tries to reverse her own curse. And that's the plot. I'll give the film credit for at least being different from the original, but you don't get points if your plots and characters suck, with all the charisma and charm from the 1959 classic sucked out in place of... "Girl talk." Thank God Disney don't own Hannibal Lecter. The remake of that would probably have him acting like Barney Stinson. And no, I'm not checking out the sequel.
7. Dumbo
If you've read my review, you'll already know that I thought the 2019 remake of Dumbo was crap. And I still think that, so there's not much else needing said. Directed by Tim Burton, Dumbo focuses on a father played by Colin Farrell who works in a travelling circus led by Danny DeVito, which has just gotten a brand new baby elephant with big ears that can fly, and Michael Keaton is eager to have him because he wants MONEY! Gee, wouldn't it be horrible if someone ignored creative freedom and choice, and exploited something purely for money!? Wouldn't it be super-bad, Disney?!
With a predictable storyline full of horribly-written children, watered-down references to the original, and only sparks of charm thanks to Danny deVito giving it his all, Dumbo is a frustrating experience that never tries to captivate but instead numb the audience, hoping that the draw of an admittedly-cute elephant will be enough to save it from the bins of time. It isn't though, and thankfully the majority of critics and audiences agreed with me on this one at least.
6. Alice in Wonderland films
From one Tim Burton to another, we now come to the remake of the original Alice in Wonderland, as well as it's sequel Through the Looking Glass (which is technically not a remake but deserves a mention anyway). What should have been the perfect union between source material and director, instead came out a dull, near-sepia war film... Wait, an Alice in Wonderland war film?!
Johnny Depp's performance as the Mad Hatter is beyond awkward, and I don't even think Mia Wasikowska is trying. The egregious amount of CGI is disappointingly expected, but I do admit that there are some good performances, like Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen, that just manage to keep this film from being as bad as the others and provide a few charming moments. Then again, the 2010 film caused this new trend of remake, so don't give it too much leeway in the bitching department.
5. Cinderella
I'm shocked that Cinderella is as high on the list as this, but maybe that's just how bad the other films are, or maybe it's because Cinderella isn't quite as bad. At least, in some regards. Directed by Kenneth Branagh, Cinderella follows the same story as the 1950 adaptation, in which a young girl is adopted by an abusive family after the death of her parents, until the day her Fairy Godmother appears and helps her go to the ball, and meet the prince.
While Cinderella herself and the prince aren't especially interesting, it is interesting to see Lady Termaine with some more humanity and subtlety to her hostility towards the protagonist, as well as less attention given to mice and cats. The film also looks as gorgeous as you'd expect from a Branagh film. It's just a shame the screenplay and message the film is trying to spread are both paper-thin and uninspired, causing a very messy and somewhat cringe-inducing film overall.
4. Aladdin
I'll admit that Aladdin isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It's still a bad film, but it's not horrible. It's not without it's charm and it's laughs, and there is at least some nice additions to the original. Still bad though. This remake follows the same story from 1992, in the fictional city of Agrabah, where a young "street rat" named Aladdin finds a blue genie in a lamp, and tries to use the wishes given to him to make the beautiful princess Jasmine fall for him, while the evil villain Jafar tries to take over Agrabah.
The CGI is pretty horrible whenever it makes Will Smith blue, but he's actually giving it his all in this performance and is clearly trying to make the legacy of Robin Williams proud, so I have to confess I enjoyed him most of the time. And while Marwan Kenzari as Jafar is as dull as dishwater drying, Naomi Scott's performance as Jasmine somehow manages to steal the film, especially with her singing performances and the new material the film gave her. There's fun to be had in Aladdin, but the absences of Robin Williams and the original Jafar makes the film feel empty by comparison, and no amount of blueface can fix that.
3. 101 Dalmatians/102 Dalmatians
Admit it, you forgot about these two! Based on the 1961 adaptation, 101 Dalmatians was released in 1996, with the sequel 102 Dalmatians released in 2000, and both did... fine. Low reviews but audiences at least remember them well enough, although that's definetly thanks to the portrayal of Cruella de Vil, by Academy Award-nominee Glenn Close. And also cute puppies!
Much like the original, the film follows a bunch of dalmatian dogs, mute this time, as they try to escape the clutches of the sinister Cruella de Vil, who plans to skin them so she can have the best fur coat imaginable. And that's the film really. Glenn Close is yucking it up, the puppies are adorable, Hugh Laurie appears, and the world as a whole shrugs. Honestly, just watch it for Glenn Close.
2. The Jungle Book
Well, this one was a surprise. Directed by Jon Favreau before he did the Lion Cringe and broke my heart, The Jungle Book released in 2016 to great reviews, love from audiences and nearly made a billion at the box office. And... I have to admit, I mostly enjoyed it too. Set in an Indian jungle, the "man-cub" Mowgli discovers he is going to be hunted down by the terrifying tiger Shere Khan. So he has to go to the Man Village where he will be safe, with help from the panther Bagheera, the bear Baloo and several other characters.
The effects in this film are absolutely stunning, and unlike the Crying King (as in, it makes me want to cry), motion capture is used to give the animals actual emotions. It's amazing to look at this film and realise it's all done entirely in a studio, and the only live-action actor is Mowgli, played by Neel Sethi. And every performance is perfectly cast and performing admirably, including Ben Kingsley as Bagheera, Bill Murray as Baloo, Idris Elba as Shere Khan, Lupita Nyong'o as Raksha, and even Christopher Walken as King Louie works! That's just crazy! And although some scenes are poor, such as Baloo pushing Mowgli away, the majority of them are engaging and written with care. Also, the film isn't freaking terrifying like Andy Serkis' Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle. Seriously, I nearly screamed at that one...
1. Pete's Dragon
By god, one of them did it. One of these remakes actually took the original adaptation and gave it a completely fresh coat of paint, and surpassed the classic. And while Pete's Dragon was never considered anywhere near one of Disney's best, that just makes this film all the more impressive because it is just so damn good! Some call it a "reimagining" of the 1977 original, but I dislike that word and so we're counting it.
Just like the original, a young boy named Pete loses his parents and is semi-adopted by a large dragon, but things change when he comes across civilisation for the first time in years, and tries to adapt to the world he's left behind. Unlike the original however, there's a far stronger focus on family and relationships, there's no music numbers, the dragon, Elliot, is actually a lovely-looking but slightly intimidating creature instead of a 2D cartoon, and Karl Urban is in the cast. The emphasis on quiet moments helps to show a level of maturity that none of these other remakes have been able to capture even once, as Pete's Dragon changes what didn't work before and tries something new without disrespecting the source material. It's a perfect example of how this wave of remakes should be, focusing on films that didn't work too well the first time like Treasure Planet or Atlantis: The Lost Empire, instead of rehashing the same scenes from our childhood with fresh coats of CGI-laden paint. Pete's Dragon puts every other remake of Disney to shame, not only because it's a damn good film, but because it shows that someone, somewhere, in that disgustingly cynical corporation, there is at least one person with power still on the side of creativity, and willing to fight to bring forth what the world should see, rather than what the world has already seen.
Basically, go watch Pete's Dragon.
Shiggins:[Admin]
.
Born under the stars of the Dark Gods, Shiggins owns the power of the Great Eye and is utterly magnificent in his omniscience. If you dare to discover more about someone as great as him, then go ahead. And to all my friends and family members, YOU are wrong and I should be disappointed! Not the other way round!,. You can find out about him or ask him stuff on ask.fm/shigginsishere or go to his tumblr page http://otakugajeel.tumblr.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment