Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Top 10 Worst Marvel Movies

Written by Shiggins

Not everyone gets a super story.

Now that Venom has officially sucked as badly as we all worried it would, I thought now might be a good time to take a look back and see how poorly comic book movies have done in the past. We're in their prime right now, but no history is without some horrifying acts we want to ignore ever happened. And so here are the 10 worst Marvel movies in existence, and that includes all films based on Marvel, and not just those in the MCU. (In fact, none of them are). 

10. The Punisher

Admit it. You forgot this one even existed, didn't you? Released in 2004, The Punisher starred Thomas Jane as the antihero Frank Castle, who is set into a rage when his entire family is murdered because of wild actor John Travolta, playing generic bad guy and mafia boss Howard Saint. And so begins a series of deaths as Frank goes from underling to underling until he can reach Saint.

There are certainly worse movies out there, but The Punisher is forgettable in every meaning of the word. Every performance is uninspired, every character is an uninteresting stereotype, and the film managed to turn the fight scenes of such a cool comic book character into literally nothing. Thankfully, Netflix and Jon Berenthal would reboot the Punisher to the intensity he deserves, but for over 10 years, this and "War Zone" were the only Punisher performances we had. What did we do to deserve that punishment?

9. Spider-Man 3

If you've read some of my other Marvel-related articles, you might have realised that the storyline in which Spider-Man gets his black symbiote suit is my all-time favourite, which probably makes it even more surprising that I place this film above the Amazing Spider-Man films. And honestly, that's only because of how spectacular some of the other things in this movie are. But make no mistake true believers; this is a bad movie.

The reason this film is on this list is obvious. "Emo Peter" is the biggest offender, turning one of Marvel's darkest plotlines into a cringing joke, but there are other things worth hating, such as Mary Jane Watson is absolutely spoiled and annoying, and the scene where she dances with James Franco is just embarrassing to watch. However, I won't put this film any lower mostly due to the fantastic scenes involving The Sandman, a few fun performances, and some surprisingly great effects. It's a stupid movie, but there are at least some things to enjoy if you can try to forget literally everything not involving dancing. Why so much dancing?!

8. Amazing Spider-Man 1+2

I'm probably cheating a little by placing both films on this spot, but it's hard to talk about one of these sequel-begging creatures without bringing up the other. And honestly, I place both of them around the same level. After the critical failure of Spider-Man 3, Sony decided to take the reboot path and go for for a younger Spider-Man with the girlfriend Gwen Stacy. Starring Andrew Garfield as the titular character and Emma Stone as Gwen, the "Amazing" series brought along quite a few improvements, including a sexier Peter Parker and better combat.

Unfortunately, the films were also GAGGING for sequels, and so the films have tons of subplots that distract from the main story. In the span of two movies, we had the Lizard, Electro, Green Goblin, Rhino, a man in a hat, the disappearances of Peter's parents, the man who murdered Uncle Ben, Oscorp planning to build the Sinister Six, Aunt May struggling at home, the surprisingly brilliant romance with Gwen, and even more! It's clear that Sony were focused on making a franchise before making a movie, and the eventual shutdown of this series surprised nobody.

7. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

It's amazing that this was never a fun film series. Ghost Rider is a skeleton biker with the powers of Hell, and he is played by Nicholas Cage! What should have been an amazing set of movies with more to come instead became an ugly, painful ride. And while the first Ghost Rider had at least some enjoyable minutes, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is a painful travesty that went so overboard in trying to fix the film's previous flaws that it actually came out worse!

Nicholas Cage is back and he's up against Satan once more, now played by CiarĂ¡n Hinds, who wants to get a new body so he can live on Earth and yes, that means Ghost Rider needs to spend the movie protecting a bloody kid, which is basically the kiss of death when it comes to movies. Nobody, not even Idris Elba, is fun to watch in this spectacular disappointment, the effects are dull, and every scene that should be awesome isn't. It takes a special talent to make a character like Ghost Rider boring, but they pulled it off. Twice!

6. X-Men 3; The Last Stand

It was inevitable that an X-Men film would be here eventually, and while some would have gone with the Deadpool-killing Origins; Wolverine, I personally find myself more annoyed with The Last Stand. Why? Well, that's because it adapted one of the biggest stories in Marvel history and filled it with so much unlikable nonsense that only a handful of these actors were able to escape with any dignity whatsoever. If you ever look back at why X-Men's timeline is so messed up, it's probably because of this film.

Jean Gray returns from the dead, but she's being possessed (or an alternate personality, or something. It's a bit confusing) by an evil power known as the "Phoenix". She keeps killing characters off, including one iconic member of the X-Men off-screen, and Magneto wants to use her power so he can wipe out the government's plan to "cure" mutants. And while I do love Kelsey Grammer as Beast and the idea of the X-Men fighting against a cure, this film is a bloated mess with far too much going on and not enough time devoted to where it matters. In a film about the Dark Phoenix, that should be the focus! Why did Angel get so much unnecessary screen time? Nobody cared!

5. Hulk

The only MCU movie I haven't seen in the cinema is The Incredible Hulk, and that is no fault of the movie itself. Instead, the blame for that goes to 2003's Hulk, which was so bad that I avoided the character entirely for years. Starring Eric Bana as Bruce Banner, Nick Nolte as his evil father and Jennifer Connelly as Betty, Hulk had the potential to be an amazing origin movie for the green goliath in which he fights his own father for control of his terrifying form of anger. Instead, it's an amazing turd.

I feel guilty for saying this, because I know how much work and effort was probably put into it, but the visual design of the Hulk is lame, with his green skin because far too bright and his nipples purple. Very rarely did the Hulk ever fight, and it was never entertaining when he did because he had nothing interesting to go up against. Some helicopters, some tanks and... Please tell me that I hallucinated the mutant poodle.

4. Elektra

There are two films that ruined the reputation of female-led superhero movies for years, until 2017's Wonder Woman. One of them will be in this list's DC counterpart, and the other is Elektra. A spinoff of Daredevil, which is a stupid idea already because Daredevil only just managed to avoid being on this list, the film focuses on Daredevil's love interest and master assassin Elektra as she takes on "The Hand" to protect a kid. Ugh.

Some truly bad performances mixed with a boring story was expected for a Daredevil spinoff, but we didn't think it would be this mind-numbing! Even Terrence Stamp, actor of the one greatest comic book portrayals ever, can't bring his General Zod strength to this mess. This is a film that should have never gotten past the brainstorming meeting, and it's no wonder I felt fear when she was accounted to be rebooted for Daredevil Season 2. That version was good, at least.

3. Blade: Trinity

Blade was an amazing film that brought comic book films back from the dark ages and helped X-Men have the courage to step into the limelight. Blade 2 was a blast of a film with some truly disgusting vampires and insane action. Blade: Trinity is one of the most definitive examples of how badly a third film can mess up a great franchise. Despite the return of Wesley Snipes, Blade 3 was painful to sit through.

In this bloody film (ha!), Blade is back to fight vampires, who have gotten so desperate that they summon Dracula to help them. So Blade teams up with Ryan Reynolds (the first of many Reynolds performances that ruined comic book movies before Deadpool) and Jessica Biel. From an overuse of CGI, to terrible dialogue, to David S.Goyer's existence, Blade 3 is one I struggle to sit through. And they call Dracula "Drake". Screw you, Goyer.

2. Fant4stic

I think we all knew this film was going to suck from the first announcement, as this film was never made because of artistic vision or a desire to entertain, but because 21st Century Fox didn't want to give up the rights to the franchise. And how poetic does that now seem? Anyway, Fant4stic deserves hate for far more reasons than the studio being greedy.

In this reboot, the Fantastic Four are scientists working with Viktor Von Doom to open a portal and explore a new world, but because of science-reasons they are all given superpowers! Reed Richards can stretch, Sue Storm can turn invisible, Johnny Storm can turn on fire, Ben Grimm turns into rocks and Viktor becomes a Cyberman's sex toy. Instead of saving the world, they all sit in dark rooms and whine until the finale comes along and ends as abruptly, wasting everyone's time and not meaning anything to the world, the characters or the audience. On the bright side, it made me appreciate Rise of the Silver Surfer. That's impressive.

1. Howard the Duck

I was going to choose Fant4stic as number 1, but that's only until I remembered how bad Howard the Duck actually is. I had mentally repressed it, you see. I didn't want to remember a rubber costume using Quack-Fu, or a woman getting frisky with a duck, or... any of it, really. What could have been one of the most enjoyably surreal films of all time is Marvel's worst.

Surprisingly, for a film about a duck-man who is thrown from his own duck-people dimension (the women of which have breasts that you are made to see) into ours, the plot is as basic as those kid movies where a cartoon character comes to New York. Howard makes friends, enemies, a villain that is overcompensating to be scary, and not one speck of charm, wit or joy. Maybe he's due a Deadpool-style reboot soon?

Honourable Mentions


Fantastic Four

Venom (Click here for my review)

Shiggins:[Admin]   .
Born under the stars of the Dark Gods, Shiggins owns the power of the Great Eye and is utterly magnificent in his omniscience. If you dare to discover more about someone as great as him, then go ahead. And to all my friends and family members, YOU are wrong and I should be disappointed! Not the other way round!,. You can find out about him or ask him stuff on ask.fm/shigginsishere or go to his tumblr page http://otakugajeel.tumblr.com/


  1. Venom is beautiful. I was in love at first sight.

    1. Don't get me wrong. Venom is a sexy beast. But his film sucked.