Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Top 10 Abridged Anime Characters

Written by: The Inquisitor

About 2-4 months ago, an event occurred that had a greater impact on my life than my High School graduation, the impact was so great that it actually managed to make me leave my comfort zone to write this list. The event: Shiggins introduced me to abridged anime. Never had I been happier to have that man as a friend.

For the poor ignorant souls that have yet to experience the greatness that is abridging, I left links to the first episode of every series that I mention in this list.

For those of you who don’t know, abridged anime are comedic fan-dubs. These fan-dubs have been made from  various different series' and by various people, from the solo genius PurpleEyesWTF, to the legendary Team Four Star. From the minds of these comedy gods came many hilarious series' and a plethora of memorable characters.

And it all started with him. The Father of Abridging: LittleKuriboh.

10. Sasuke Uchiha (Ninjabridge) (LittleKuriboh)

“____ will never understand the pain I feel…..”

First, I would like to point out that I have never watched or read Naruto. If I had, Sasuke may have been higher on the list.

About 80% of his lines start with the quote above. His entire character is a depressed guy that feels nothing but pain. Pretty much everything makes him feel pain. The fact that every girl wants him makes him feel pain. The fact that he is voiced by Yuri Lowenthal makes him feel pain. The fact that “Sasuke’s brother” killed his entire family makes him feel pain…okay, that one makes sense. And because pain is funny, Sasuke got a spot on the list.
Damn logo. "Intelligent in it."
Ninjabridge in a nutshell

9. Makoto Naegi (Danganronpa Abridged Thing) (Faulerro)

“My balls could not be any bluer right now”

I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to put Makoto or Kirigiri on the list. So I flipped a coin. So if you think Kirigiri was better, blame the Mexicans (It was a Mexican dollar coin). But even before the coin flip, I leaned more towards Naegi. They both had their great moments, particularly when they are kicking ass in the class trials, but Naegi had a few more.

The main, and pretty much only, difference between him and the original is that he is much more assertive and doesn’t take shit from anyone. These traits lead to the aforementioned ass-kickings in the class trials. DRAT was a hilarious series, and the class trials were definitely the best part. As opposed to the long back-and-forth of the games, two out of the three trials in DRAT were nothing but Makoto and/or Kirigiri ripping everyone’s argument to shreds in a way that was both badass and hilarious.

8. Suzaku Kururugi (Code MENT) (PurpleEyesWTF)

“I can live entirely on a diet of crayons and lighter fluid”

That line explains a lot.

This man is an idiot. There is no other way to describe him. He is so stupid that he actually managed to get a negative score on an IQ test. He’s so dumb that he can’t even close a bag right. He’s so <insert synonym here> that he… well, I’ll let you see that one for yourself. Suzaku’s stupidity leads to many funny moments. Especially when LeLouch is involved.

The only thing he shares with his canon counterpart is his battle prowess. He’s just as much of a prodigy as he was in the original. Well, there was this one time where he lost a fight against a building, but that’s beside the point. He rarely follows orders, but he still manages to cause problems for LeLouch and his gang of misfits.

7. Piccolo (plus Nail and Kami) (Dragon Ball Z Abridged) (Lanipator)


We all know Piccolo. Namekian. Loner. Gohan’s teacher. The guy who holds off the big bad until one Saiyan or another beats the shit out of them. Etc. And since DBZA stays true to the story more than most, he is still all of those things, just with a comedic twist.

He is a loner, but not by choice. He wants friends, but he can’t get any due to the fact that he’s a giant green slug man. This problem is fixed once he fuses with Nail and, eventually, Kami. Unlike the original series, they retain their individuality within Piccolo’s mind. That’s where most of the Piccolo related jokes come from.

The rest mainly come from his interactions with Gohan. He cares about Gohan just as much as he does in the canon, having practically raised him while Goku was dead, but Gohan also annoys Piccolo because he’s a nerd, overthinks things, and he WON’T FUCKING DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!

6. Nagisa Hazuki (50% Off) (Octopimp)

“Bitch, I am Daphne”

I haven’t watched Free, and I don’t plan to. But going by his appearance, I can only assume that canon Nagisa is a sweet boy that would never do anything wrong or hurt anybody. Basically, I imagine he’s the exact opposite of “Thugisa”.

Abridged Nagisa, dubbed “Thugisa” by fans, is exactly that: a thug. Before the start of the series, Nagisa went to jail for drowning a kid, and was eventually “released” (he broke out). Afterwards, he rejoins the swim team and does all his other “activities” on the side. Obviously, we never get to see most of them, but that doesn’t stop it from being funny.

The main thing that makes Nagisa so funny is the contrast between his appearance, and his voice and personality. Hearing Octopimp’s voice while looking at Nagisa’s baby face is enough to make even the regular lines somewhat amusing.

5. Keith Shadis (Attack on Titan Abridged) (Antfish)

“Well Sweet Mother Theresa on the hood of a Mercedes Benz. You sound like a majestic fucking eagle”

Not really much to talk about with this guy. He is a drill sergeant, and every line that comes out of his mouth is pure comedic genius. This guy had less than 10 minutes of total screen time, but those minutes were packed with so much hilarity that it landed him in the top 5.

4. Alucard (Hellsing Ultimate Abridged) (Takahata101)

“That’s right. I’m going to fuck the fear turkey”

Vampire. Pervert. Asshole. Abridged Alucard in a nutshell.

Like my bi-curious experiments, I’m going to start with the asshole. He’s sarcastic towards pretty much everybody, but he’s really only an asshole towards one person: Integra. Alucard does everything he can to make her life hell. He disobeys orders, triggers her OCD, and wastes the Hellsing budget on things like “Candi” and fun activities involving Goats, Integra’s father’s car, and a Dairy Queen. The main reason he does this seems to be that he gets off on it, getting an erection just by arguing with Integra, and orgasming after begin told that he was right.

Now for the pervert paragraph. Being the second most perverted character in the series, Alucard makes at least one perverted comment in nearly every conversation he has. These comments range from “Genius” to “Your Mother”. Alucard also gets off on many things. For example: Schrödinger (gives him a “Why-boner”) and basically any type of confrontation. Doesn’t matter if it’s verbal or physical, if a fight starts, Alucards blood starts flowing.

3. LeLouch vi Britannia (Code MENT) (PurpleEyesWTF)

“Now she looks like a cross between a French maid and a Vietnamese hooker”

One of two characters in the Top 5 that didn’t come from Team Four Star, LeLouch is one of the more unique characters in this list. He is Abridged LeLouch. That is literally the only way I can think of to describe him. Sometimes he’s smart, sometimes he’s stupid. Sometimes he has friends sometimes he hates everyone (mainly Rivalz). He’s hard to describe, but the bottom line is: he’s hilarious.

This will never stop being funny

2. Vegeta (Dragon Ball Z Abridged) (Lanipator)

“Is that the Namekian? Is that me? IS THAT ME STRONGER THAN ME!? I’LL FUCKING KILL ME!”

When I first started this list, Vegeta was just an HM. Shiggins didn’t like that, so he introduced me to a TFS series called “Renegade for Life”. RFL is a series of Let’s Plays featuring the Prince of All Saiyans himself. It’s every bit as awesome as it sounds.

RFL alone was what propelled Vegeta to the number two spot. Whether it’s raging, arguing with narrators, trying to comprehend the physics of anime breast jiggling, or shitting everywhere, Vegeta had me laughing in nearly every video. Especially the raging. Hotline Miami 2 made me laugh so hard that I went into a coughing fit. Fun Fact: I coughed up about a half a cup of mucus that day.

Whoops. His dick got cut off
I’m not saying he’s not funny in the main series. He would have been on the list to begin with if it wasn’t for the “two per series” rule. Vegeta has some of the best one liners in the series, and some of the series best scenes involve Vegeta trying to deal with Goku and/or Nappa’s stupidity.
Widescreen was actually useful for once.

1. Kirito (SAO Abridged Parody) (YamatoSFX)

“You know something? I really. Hate. People. They’re selfish, ignorant, loud, obnoxious pricks with basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I mean really, look at all they’ve achieved: Genocide, Global Warming, Reality TV. It’s just a never-ending parade of failures and fuck-ups. They are, without question, a complete write-off of a species, and HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THEM.

I need to memorize that. I have a feeling I’m going to scream it at a therapist one day.

If this list was “Top 10 Funniest Abridged Anime Characters”, Kirito would be a bit lower. He is definitely one of the funniest characters out there, but he’s not the best. However, as a character in general, there is no one better. Something Witty Entertainment managed to take a bland character from a mediocre series, and turn him into one of the best characters I’ve ever seen.
Me when I get a bad grade on an English paper
Abridged Kirito is one of those rare characters that is actually better than their canon counterpart. Kirito was a boring character. He was your typical nice guy that went through little to no character development. Abridged Kirito is the exact opposite. Abridged Kirito is a Misanthropic Sociopathic smartass that goes out of his way to mock and degrade people every chance he gets. In his defense, they usually deserve it.

As for his development, the quote above says it all. Over the course of the series, you seem him slowly become more and more “human”. He goes from a dick, to a complete sociopath, to a sociopath that cares (sort of) about people. Believe me, that is a huge jump. Luckily, he’s still a relatable (for me, anyway) smartass in every stage of his development.
Only people that have watched this will understand how evil that is
Honorable Mentions:

Mr. Popo. Dragon Ball Z Abridged

Meliodas. Nanatsu no Schmucks.

Kyoko Kirigiri. Danganronpa Abridged Thing.
Haru, Haru, Haru, Haru, Haru, Haru, Haru, and Haru. 50% Off.

Seto Kaiba. Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series


Danganronpa Abridged Thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsvpLj_fba4

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgnIjJexut4

Sword Art Online Abridged Parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6kJKxvbgZ0

Attack on Titan Abridged (TFS): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtOHierryE0

Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-32NGYLqwAQ&list=PLTagxffHmpfT765IfQj68dMmfFs3W7s1f

Are there any characters that you think deserved to be on this list that weren't? Or do you have a list that you want me or Shiggins and Claydragon (it will almost definitely be them) to write? Let me know in the comments.

This quote is too funny to not put in here

TheInquisitor   .
The Inquisitor is an autistic otaku with little social life. If, for any reason, you need to contact him the preferred method would be to email him at Steven.conner839@gmail.com, or you can go to his ask.fm account: ask.fm/guardiansandfollowers. He likes to get straight to the point. Trump Hillary We're fucked 2016

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