Thursday, July 28, 2016

Biggest 'Sausages' of Fairy Tail (As Voted by Fans)

Written by Shiggins

Well, we all knew this one was coming.

The fans asked for it, and so here we are. After the weird "Stone Age" chapter, the question of "sausage sizes" came up and I made a joke that I should do a poll about one... and then I was requested to actually do it, and here we are. You all voted in it, and here is my article about it. I don't know what else to say... let's just get this one over with so we can move on...

I can't look my family in the eye after writing this list...
10. Loke/Leo

You can't be a playboy with a reputation, unless your sausage has a reputation too. That's why I would guess the Celestial Spirit Leo, also known as Loke, has made it to our list. If he had made more appearances recently, I'd bet he'd be higher. He wears a sexy suit, was high on as the "Wizard I'd Like To Be My Boyfriend" list, and he's got a gorgeous haircut. To be as blunt as possible, there are plenty of characters who could probably tell you what his sausage is like.



9. Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki

MEN! With a catchphrase like that, you know Ichiya has to be packing a mean sausage that's ready to attack at a moment's notice! As a member of the male community who spends many of his days flirting with every woman that comes his way, Ichiya is a role model for all. His PARFUM and his tight speedo is just further proof that he wields a sausage. Only someone secure with their body will gladly admit they were PARFUM!



8. Natsu Dragneel

According to the Stone Age chapter, which inspired this damn stupid wonderful article in the first place, Natsu is a "mammoth". Judging by his place on this list, I must not be alone in doubting that. In fact, I can't help but wonder if all the girls' heads would have exploded if every man had stripped to their own mammoths and had a stampede.... but Natsu is the main character, so of course he's going to at least be somewhere on this list.



7. Gajeel Redfox

Aww, come on guys really? My man Gajeel didn't even make it to the top 5?! Pfft, fine... but I will say that his sausage is by far the hardest! It gets the job done and it can break boulders. It's like a Marvel Netflix superhero, that's how good and strong it is! For whatever reason though, fans didn't vote for Gajeel to be much higher and so we're left wondering if Gajeel can do what Iron Fist did and punch through walls... but with his sausage.



6. Elfman Strauss

MAN! It's manly to have a sausage you can brag about with your fellow man! And with muscles like this man, it's only natural the sausage follows! Elfman Strauss has two sisters he must protect, which means he has to have a dinner down there and he needs to defend them from anybody below his position! I'm assuming though that the only reason he's not in the top 5 is because we aren't completely sure if drugs were used during the timeskip to get that sudden expansion in muscle size...



5. Sting & Rogue

I am so happy these two shared a position. I like to think they share everything, including gym times, books, toilet paper and yes, even sausage size. And thanks to these two sharing a spot, it means there are 10 Fairy Tail characters in this list (That will make sense at number 3...). They both have beautiful hair, and never seem to skip Abs Day, if you know what I mean. Just... look at those muscles! And as you do... imagine the double-sausage threat.



4. Gildarts Clive

With great power, comes great sausage. At least, that appears to be the case judging by our top members. And the vagabond Gildarts is the strongest guy on this list (well, second-strongest after Number 3) and he's definitely got a history too. As I said before with Leo/Loke, you don't get a reputation and background of sex without a member that can kick ass. Yes, Gildarts earned his place here because Cana's mother could have been so many damn people.



3. Shiggins

YOU RUINED MY JOKE! Damn it, guys! The reason I put myself on the list was because I was going to have a rant at the beginning and say "Oh I'm so much better than blah blah and blah blah" and it was going to be funny and... Did you people know I was going to do this? Did you? Or do you actually love me this much? I don't know how to feel about this! Just... damn it, guys! .....I love you too.

.....What? That's totally me! I swear!


2. Laxus Dreyar

Blondes deserve to be so high! My man Laxus, up with the best. If I had to lose, I'm glad to have lost to him. He's the best mage of the guild, and he gets the advantage over Gildarts because he's actually been around when he should be. He wears an epic coat, has a trio of babes to follow him, and he's just that damn cool. He is Laxus, and he will not be happy when he sees who you voted number 1.



1. Jellal Fernandes

....................................Really? Really, guys? I have to write about this man's sausage?! Are you people kidding me?! Just... You did this because you know me, didn't you? I don't know if I'm flattered or I want you to go to hell... Anyway, Jellal is loved by the fandom and he's so angsty and "cool" and has a tattoo and I hate him, so of course he's our number 1... typical.




Honourable Mentions:


Gray Fullbuster
Cobra (HOW DID HE NOT WIN!? HIS NAME IS A SNAKE!)
Zeref Dragneel

Well, I'm off to reevaluate my life choices after writing this damn list... If you have any other ideas for polls or articles, comment below.

And on a last note....

Sausage = PENIS!


Shiggins:[Admin]   .
Born under the stars of the Dark Gods, Shiggins owns the power of the Great Eye and is utterly magnificent in his omniscience. If you dare to discover more about someone as great as him, then go ahead. And to all my friends and family members, YOU are wrong and I should be disappointed! Not the other way round!,. You can find out about him or ask him stuff on ask.fm/shigginsishere or go to his tumblr page http://otakugajeel.tumblr.com/

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