Thursday, December 6, 2012

3 Brilliant Fanfictions in the Naruto Fandom.

If you’re like us who are so fixated on reading fanfictions to the point that your teacher catches you reading gay lemony fanfiction under the desk in your Chemistry class, you’ll pretty much know where we’re going with this. It’s true that Naruto fandom is blessed with a lot of talented writers who devote their time and sweat solely in to writing beautiful literature with incredible plots.

And then there are writers on the other end of the spectrum, showering us with their wild imaginations and giving all professional writers the middle finger. Some things like this…

Remember the very first episode of Naruto where he was tricked by Mizuki to obtain some forbidden scrolls? Apparently the author of this fanfiction thought that the Kishimoto’s original version of that story wasn’t badass enough. So he grabbed it by the balls and created his own fabulous version of it, a bit bizarre yes, but still fabulous.

When Naruto found the scroll, he discovered something called Madness Contract in it which was described in a simple poem;

This was taken straight from the bible, I suppose.
The poem was followed by a rich description of the Contract, where it was told that Naruto would gain the ability to make random objects fall on the enemies, pulling more objects out of the blue, the almighty Super Burp (what?), capable of bringing mass destruction within a 3-mile radius (with the burp, we guess), a partner, and also a soulmate. The best part of this is that it requires no chakra whatsoever. But in return, Naruto’s sanity would be taken away.

Naruto went for it. He signed the contract, because let’s face it even we can’t say no to almighty Super Burp. It was also noted that if the contract was established, “cats and dogs will fall from the sky, pigs shall fly, and cockroaches will march on your hometown screaming World Domination”.

Wanna piece of me, motherfucker?!
And it did.

Iruka rushed to find Naruto where he was proudly enlightened by the blonde ninja that he had found the scrolls Mizuki told about and sealed a contract with it. As the conversation between them went on, Mizuki showed up and attacked with shurikens which Naruto would blast off with his bazooka. And out of nowhere, a cat would arrive on the scene introducing him as Naruto’s partner.
The cat would also claw Mizuki’s face off on Naruto’s command and the fic ends with Naruto and the cat leaving to Ichiraku Ramen like nothing ever happened.

It’s a concrete establishment in the Narutoverse that Orochimaru has the hots for young boys. We’ve seen fanfictions of OrochimaruXSasuke, OrochimaruXNaruto (a fandom getting an insane number of popularity as we speak), OrochimaruXSuigetsu, OrochimaruXKimimaro and so on. But OrochimaruXEdward Cullen?

And so accelerated the porn productions.
Dazzle is a fanfiction written by a very passionate writer where he describes the passionate intercourse between our favorite pedobear Orochimaru, and Twilight’s main protagonist Edward Cullen who was apparently a 118 year old virgin.  Well, at least not at the end of the fanfic.

At the beginning, the writer clearly stressed that he was “totally sober” when he wrote the story, but we have a hard time believing it given the fact that Edward had whined to Orochimaru, begging him to ride him, to which Orochimaru replied, “Orchimaru doesn’t ride. He gets ridden.”

Though the length of the fanfiction isn’t sufficient to even be regarded as a fanfiction, this can be overlooked since Edward had ridden Orochimaru to the sunset and had gotten pregnant. But Orochimaru had no interest in having children and was avoiding paying child support.

#1. Tender Loins by LiCoDaBy

While the title alone of this fanfiction screams pure perfection, this story brought about a revolution in the Crazy Shipping Community in Naruto fandom. The fangirls went insane and just ran with the odd pairing of this fanfiction, in fact, the shipping load was so heavy had to take down the story. Why? Because it was SasukeXObama.

You’ll be pleased to know that despite taking down the story, the loyal fangirls weren't discouraged. Because they…



Shipping it!

After some sleepless hours of digging through the internet, we found an audio version of the two chapters, probably the only remains left of the fanfiction.  Chapter one starts with Obama giving a public speech with Michelle next to him giving him a “seductive eye” while Romney stood in the crowd raging with jealousy, and listened to Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj on his head phone.

After what the writer described was a debate, Obama was sitting down a tree when he caught sight of the beautiful teenage Sasuke. Since Sasuke’s eye color matched with Obama’s skin it was only reasonable that Obama find Uchiha Sasuke extremely, utterly hawt. In the midst of a testosterone filled conversation and licking each other’s ear, a random tornado caused the tree to fall on top of them. However, Sasuke would get rid of the tree with his ninja skills and they both would transform into Powerpuff Girls and ride off to a date, which is where chapter one ends.

We're not sure if this has anything to do with the story, but still relevant.
Chapter two begins with their date in the restaurant, where they would get hot and heavy playing footsie under the table. Obama would moan sexily and Sasuke would get an instant boner then flip the table and break it in to half (don’t ask). This had apparently injured Obama which is followed by Sasuke’s wailing and revelation of the restaurant waiter to be Mitt Romney. After Romney had gotten up a table, stripped off his clothes and started singing, he slapped Obama in the face. Obama found this highly arousing and desperately begged Sasuke to fuck him in his frail state because Obama was just one kinky bastard.

It’s one thing that you write a bizarre crossover, but when you pair the young Uchiha with a political figure it automatically becomes the ultimate canon. Let’s just hope that the genius who invented this story repost it somewhere with endless chapters of ObamaXSasuke goodness!

Written by: Micha.


  1. Holy shit. I thought OrochimaruXEdward was the SHIT. Then I read SasukeXObama and I lost it. Darn this made me laugh like a dying donkey.

    Yes, I am lurking around your profile like a rapist in the night.... or morning since it's 5 am here.

    1. I love crack pairings and dig for them, but you come across these gems very rarely. SasukeXObama is extremely popular on tumblr for some reason.

      Yeah, I can see that. I like being raped. I appreciate it very much. How did you find us?

    2. These are rare gems indeed. I've been reading fanfictions for a while now, but I always lacked the insanity and courage one needs to even consider searching for these one-of-a-kind pairings. I'm thankful for that.

      Destiny led me to you. I was doing something any mature, open-minded teenager would do: I googled "Hinata is overrated" and then "fairytail sucks". Your page will be the first result to be shown if you google the latter. Isn't that nice?