Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Naruto 619 Review: "Stop! In the name of Love!"

You know you should. Just don't look into it's eyes. Oops that's probably the first thing you did.

I'm not even gonna lie, when I finished reading this chapter I expected a candid camera crew to jump out and tell me I've been pranked or something along those lines. I could not get past the notion that somehow I was redirected to some fanmade manga site and I was being punished for my contribution in blurring the line between canon and fanfiction with all the stuff I've written over the past two years or so.

I read and reread the chapter only to come to the conclusion that I was in a parallel universe and now a hostage to inter-dimensional traveling care bear demons who feed off the energy of the unsuspecting victims of their cruel psychological pranks. After sucking those poor souls dry, they proceed with further pranking out of a twisted sense of pleasure and this boys and girls is how more care bear evil demon babies are born.

If your reading this review, close your eyes and count to ten backwards. If your lucky you should be back in the proper dimension where this chapter would look nothing like it does in this hell dimension we've all been sent to for God knows how long.

So Naruto Chapter 619 begins where last weeks cliff hanger panel of all four Hokages left off. I'll try and keep this review short because honestly, I still can't wrap my mortal mind around what just happened. Is Kishi pulling a heartless prank on us? Is this his way of telling us to buy Shonen Jump Alpha Magazine or is it the Japanese Golden Prank Week? PHUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Naruto 619 - Page 3

When the 4 previous Hokages realize they have been summoned using Edo Tensei, Hiruzen or the 4th Hokage comes to the full and complete understanding that his supposed epic pay per view death was for nothing. He realizes that Orochimaru had been studying forgotten or lost Uzumaki ancient seals and Oro-san came to discover a way to release the souls trapped inside the Dead Demon Consuming Seal.

We get an exchange between the Hokages, in which the two first Hokages meet Minato and they realize he is the fourth Hokage. We are introduced to the "real" personalities of Hashirama and Tobirama, some sort of odd allusion to the dynamic of Danzo and Hiruzen except this Hashirama is not a echo of young Hiruzen but more like Naruto. Is Kishi trying to hard to reflecting the First in Naruto or is Kishi reflecting Naruto in the First Hokage?

Naruto 619 - Page 6

If i'm not mistaken, Hashirama was way more serious when we first met him with the battle between Hiruzen and Orochimaru. One could argue that because Orochimaru flushed their personalities right at the onset of the battle, that would explain why, but still, this is the dude that trampled all over Madara Uchiha? Hashi looks like he has ADD for Gods sake! He even talks like a teenager and Tobirama sounds like a Nanny:

Tobirama: "Quiet insolent child. Madara wants to cut your heart out. So you will cut his out first"
Hashirama: "Stop saying that Tobi, Madara loves me, this I know for the Sharingan tells me so."

What's more depressing about the unexpected turn this chapter took is how the Uchiha are evil because they have the capacity to love more...like seriously Kishi? WTF?!

For a second, it was like I was in the blissful ignorance of the Matrix and Morpheus and his bald head had to come and ruin this wonderful dream I had been in since I discovered the world of Naruto, and now, up is down and down is up. Fuck Morpheus, I want to go back into the wonderful illusion and forget chapter 619 ever happened. I want the goddamn blue pill....gimme..fuck all this care bear Uchiha possessed by Love shit...i'm done.

But when it comes down to it, here are the points this chapter leaves us with:

1. Orochimaru is a changed man. He doesn't want to destroy the village anymore or use the Edo Hokages to fulfill his own selfish means, he wants to help others namely a sweet and pure Uchiha child called Sasuke. I mean seriously...if Orochimaru turns out to be the final villain, I am done....all this Obito and Madara shit will have been all in vain..all in vain.

2. The Uchiha are some soft ass bitches. If its not clear enough by now that the Uchiha are straight up care bears and that the Sharingan is the manifestation of their "LOVE" turned into "Hate", then I don't think Naruto will ever make sense to you beyond this point. Just give up and go home.

3. Sasuke asks Hiruzen about the Uchiha massacre and lo and behold, it is made crystal clear that indeed Itachi had orders from Hiruzen and Danzo to wipe out the Uchiha clan since they were planning a coup d'etat. Hiruzen goes on to praise Itachi and his sacrifice which only fuels further animosity within Sasuke for the Hokages and the village. Tobirama goes on a Danzo like rant blaming everything on the Uchiha and calling the Uchiha bastards of the darkness. Actually I came up with that. Trademarked madafakaz.

4. Tobirama is a straight up jerk. He's Danzo Prime. If you thought Danzo was a douche, well you haven't met his daddy because Tobirama, who Orochimaru was kind enough to point out created Edo Tensei that made it possible for all this shit to happen. So today was born a new Naruto slogan: Tobirama is the reason for suffering in the world. I'd say the Gold and Silver Twins, well on you sirs for beating the crap out of this piece of shit. We should have a appreciation thread on Otaku Nuts for those two beautiful bastards.


So what did you think of the chapter, what was your opinion of it? I don't even know if any rating would oblige this chapter at all. This thing breaks every rating scale ever invented. Let's pose the question this way, how has this chapter scarred you?

P.S I'm glad to hear the First Hokage agrees with so many of us who thought Tsunade was the worse catastrophe to ever befall Konoha. Quite refreshing really. For that alone I think there is some sense in you Hashi. Some...

Written by Eli


  1. Great Eli. It was about time that somebody else stopped fanboying that Hashirama idiot and realized this chap was shit. Thank goodness. Counting myself, you're obly the third person I know who's not become a complete idiot and hasn't failed to realize just what a load of crap Kish is feeding us with. Assuming this made sense, though it clearly doesn't, I expect for Minato to have a nice chat with Sasuke. And Sasuke must join the battle and all... But. It's clear enough that he can't hae his change of heart before he gets to havea talk no jutsu with Naruto. So I'm assuming all this crap was just meant to bring back Hashi, since Kishi must have realized while writing the plot that nobody could possibly stand up to Madara. So yeah. Kinda lame.

  2. I must say first awesome review Eli simply amazing!! I agree with you completely .. I mean really?? I still can't get over the fact that the Uchihas are suposed to be mushy abd loving xd more then any other clan and that by sealing it away it would create like a lets call it shortcirciut in that the sharingan is the result?? P-lease..... I hate how kishi destroyed the sahringan and the Uchihas for that matter. so they become unstable becasue they can love like no other ... Kishi can do fucking better then that....

    And Hashirama.... I always thought he was quiet and solemn not a wandering joker..... XD Also I too must addmit that it was funny to see Hashiramas reaction as he found out that Tsunade was the new Hokage was just priceless.
    I still wonder what minato could say to Sasuke and what the answers of Hiruzen will be to Sasukes weird Questions.....

  3. We gave you a 'Fuck You!', Eli. :)